Difficult behavior in the community: how to react when young children bite, scream or take other children's toys?

Introduction :

In collective environments such as nurseries, parks, schools or parties, it's not uncommon to see difficult behavior in young children, such as biting, screaming or refusing to share. These behaviors can sometimes surprise and worry parents in the community. Yet they are an integral part of a child's social development. In this article, we look at caring strategies to respond calmly to difficult behavior and help your child progress in his or her social interactions.

1. Understand and normalize children's behaviors

Young children, especially between the ages of 2 and 4, have not yet acquired all the skills needed to express their emotions or deal with frustration. Studies, including one published in the journal Enfance, examine externalizing disorders in young children, highlighting aggressive behaviors and their correlations with factors such as frustration and the need for control. These behaviours do not reflect poor upbringing but a natural developmental process.

As a parent, it's common to feel guilty when your child displays aggressive or impulsive behavior in the community. Rest assured, these behaviors are part of exploring limits and social learning. Your role is to accompany this learning process with kindness, to help your child understand his or her own emotions and those of others.

2. Examples of undesirable behavior and practical tips for dealing with them

Here are some of the behaviours most frequently observed among young children in the community, along with tips on how to respond constructively:

Constant shouting and interrupting:

This behavior may reflect a need for attention or an impulse. Instead of reprimanding, calmly remind your child that other children are talking too, and that everyone must wait their turn. You can encourage your child to raise his or her hand or wait for a sign before speaking.

Push to go first:

If your child shows impatience by pushing to be first, you can teach him the concept of waiting his turn with a simple phrase like "Here, we all wait our turn." Using a calm tone and encouraging patience will help him integrate these behaviors in the community.

Destroying the construction of another child:

When a child demolishes a friend's block tower or knocks over a game, it can be a way of expressing frustration. Say, "This tower belongs to your friend. If you want to play, you can ask him to build it together." By offering alternatives, you help him understand the importance of respecting other people's creations.

Refuse to share common games:

Although attachment to a toy is natural, explaining to children that certain toys are for everyone helps build respect for shared objects. You can say, "This toy is for everyone. You can play with it for a while, then it's your friend's turn."

Ignore or change the rules of the game:

If your child is constantly changing the rules, which frustrates the other children, you can gently remind him of the original rules. Explaining the importance of following common rules helps structure his sense of fairness and cooperation.

These examples show that it's possible to approach each situation by proposing a positive alternative, without imposing harsh punishment.

3. Is asking for an apology the right thing to do?

The issue of apologies is a delicate one for young children, as it presupposes that they understand the impact of their actions, which can be difficult at this age. Before asking for an apology, it may be more beneficial to help children recognize their emotions, while guiding them to understand the effect of their actions on others.

After an impulsive act, first invite your child to reflect on his or her own emotions by asking, "How do you feel?" or "What could you do to feel better?" Next, direct the exchange towards the other's perspective by asking a simple question like, "How do you think the other child feels?" or "How might he or she feel after this action?" This process helps children develop empathy and perceive that their action has had an effect on the other.

If the child is too young to express his feelings or those of others verbally, suggest a symbolic gesture of reparation, such as returning the toy taken or offering a hug. This gesture can help your child begin to learn how to make amends, without imposing an excuse that he or she doesn't yet fully understand.

4. Practical example: how to manage impulsive behavior in the community?

Imagine your child takes another child's truck without asking. Rather than reprimanding him, encourage awareness by saying, "This truck belongs to your friend, you can ask him if you want to play with it." You can then demonstrate how to do this by saying, "Tell him 'can I play with the truck after you?'".

If the other child refuses, help your child to accept this response by explaining that sometimes you have to wait for the other child to finish. You can also redirect your child's attention to another game by offering an alternative: "In the meantime, you can play with the cars here."

This type of response helps children understand respect for other people's possessions, while teaching them simple phrases for expressing their desires and cooperating with their peers.

5. Reading stories as a tool for reflection and social learning

Reading is an excellent way to get children to think about their behavior and discover how to manage their emotions and social interactions. Here are two age-appropriate books to help them tackle these issues in a fun way:

• For 2-year-olds: T'choupi ne veut pas prêter by Thierry Courtin. In this album, T'choupi encounters situations of sharing and friendship. The story is simple, colorfully illustrated and ends with a positive message. It enables toddlers to identify with and discover the notions of sharing and respect for others in an accessible and reassuring way.
• For 4-year-olds: Grosse colère by Mireille d'Allancé. This album tells the story of Robert, a little boy who is overcome by immense anger. The story explores how Robert recognizes his anger and eventually calms down. With a slightly longer text and illustrations that clearly show the intensity of emotions, this album offers food for thought on managing emotions, and invites 4-year-olds to understand and verbalize their own feelings.

By asking open-ended questions such as: "How does the character feel?" or "What would you do in his place?", you help the child better understand emotions and expected behaviors, while developing empathy.

6. Emotions and support on Play and Grow Together

At Play and Grow Togetherwe're developing a series of cards to help children recognize and manage their emotions, understand others, and interact positively in groups. The cards will include a variety of activities, such as emotion recognition games, relaxation techniques and cooperative games, designed to support children in their social and emotional development. They will also provide parents with concrete tools to guide their children in their social interactions.

Conclusion: difficult behavior as a learning opportunity

Behaviors such as shouting, pushing or taking other people's toys are common among young children in the community. By approaching them with kindness, you can turn these situations into learning opportunities. Your support helps your child to progress in his or her social and emotional development. It also helps them learn essential life skills.

While you're waiting for our fact sheets to come online, you can consult articles such as Encouraging empathy in young children and Encouraging autonomy in children from an early age for practical, inspiring advice on positive parenting(Encouraging autonomy)(Free play).