Ah, how to survive toddler tantrums? Those moments when your 2-3 year old turns into an uncontrollable ball of rage. Whether you're in the supermarket, in the middle of a Zoom meeting, or simply at home, these tantrums can strike at any time. But before you think your child has decided to ruin your day for fun, take a deep breath: he's not doing it on purpose. And no, you haven't failed as a parent. Let's explore together why these tantrums happen, and how you can not only manage them, but also stay zen.
Why are tantrums at this age so... explosive?
To survive toddler tantrums, it's crucial to understand that these moments of emotional outburst are not personal attacks. At this age, your child is going through a crucial phase in their emotional and cognitive development. They are beginning to explore their independence, but their brains are not yet fully capable of regulating intense emotions. Imagine a pressure cooker without a safety valve: that's pretty much the situation your toddler finds himself in. When he can't have what he wants (like that third ice cream or the shiny toy you've cleverly hidden at the top of the cupboard), emotions boil over, resulting in screams, tears and rolling on the floor.
This emotional intensity is largely due to the development of the child's brain. The part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, the prefrontal cortex, is still under construction at this age. This means that when your child experiences frustration, anger or grief, he or she doesn't yet have the tools to manage these feelings in a calm, rational way.
Understanding your child's emotions
To survive toddler tantrums, it's essential to understand the link with emotions.
Surviving toddlers' tantrums requires understanding that their emotions are like waves, suddenly rising and breaking. They experience every feeling with bewildering intensity, and their lack of emotional vocabulary further complicates matters. When your child throws a tantrum, he's often trying to express something he can't verbalize. It could be frustration, incomprehension, or even a need for comfort.
The important thing is to recognize that these tantrums are a form of communication. By identifying and naming the emotions your child might be feeling ("I can see you're very angry because you can't have that toy now"), you're not only helping him to understand what he's feeling, but also developing his emotional management skills.
How to stay calm: strategies for parents
1. Remember, they don't do it on purpose.
To survive toddler tantrums, it's crucial to keep in mind that your child isn't throwing a tantrum to annoy you. It's not a challenge to your authority, but a clumsy expression of needs and emotions he doesn't yet know how to manage. Remember, it's nothing against you - it's a normal part of their development.
2. Take a deep breath.
It may sound trivial, but taking a few deep breathsbefore reacting can make all the difference. By breathing deeply, you slow down your heart rate and give your brain time to process the situation rather than reacting impulsively.
So, to survive toddler tantrums, remember to breathe deeply before reacting. This simple action can help you stay calm.
3. Practice self-regulation.
Your calm is contagious. If you stay calm, you can help your child to calm down too. Try to speak slowly and calmly, and avoid shouting (even though it's sometimes very tempting). For example, if your child yells because he can't watch a cartoon, reply gently: "I understand you're disappointed, but it's dinnertime now. Then we can play together."
The soothing touch: an often underestimated strategy
Touch can be a powerful tool for calming a child in crisis. Studies show that reassuring physical contact, such as a pat on the back or a cuddle, can help reduce stress and calm intense emotions. When a child is overwhelmed by his emotions, a simple gesture of reassurance can show him that you're there for him, that you understand his difficulties, and that you're ready to help him through this emotional storm.
Try, for example, placing your hand gently on your child's shoulder or offering a hug during a seizure. This physical contact can often act as an emotional "reset", helping to reduce the intensity of the crisis and bring back a sense of security.
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Solutions for every situation
Situation 1: The supermarket caprice
| Your child is desperate for a pack of sweets you've decided not to buy. He starts crying, then screaming. |
| Solution: |
| Rather than giving in or getting upset, crouch down to her level and talk to her calmly. Say, "I know you really want this candy, but today we're not buying it. You can help me choose a piece of fruit for dessert tonight." Involving the child in another decision can help divert his attention and reduce the crisis. Accompany your response with a hand placed gently on his arm to reinforce your support. |
Situation 2: Refusing to put on your coat
| It's winter and cold outside, but your child refuses to put on his coat and starts rolling around on the floor in protest. |
| Solution: |
| Instead of forcing the coat on him, offer him a controlled choice: "Would you rather wear your red coat or the one with the stars?" This gives him a sense of control and may reduce his opposition. If that doesn't work, take him in your arms and say calmly, "I know you don't want to, but it's cold outside, and I want you to stay healthy." Use a hug to soothe his emotions while reaffirming your decision. |
Situation 3: The child who won't leave the park
| Your child is having so much fun at the park that he adamantly refuses to leave, despite your repeated warnings that it's almost time to go home. |
| Solution: |
| Instead of insisting, prepare the transition gently. A few minutes before leaving, inform your child that playtime will soon come to an end: "In five minutes, we'll be leaving. Choose one last thing to do before you go." Then involve your child in the process: "Would you prefer to take one last ride on the slide or swings?" This gives them time to mentally prepare and feel they have some control over the situation. If, despite everything, the crisis erupts, stay calm, crouch down to their level, and say, "I know you're having a lot of fun, but it's time to go. We can come back another time." A hug or a reassuring hand on the back can also help calm the frustration. |
Situation 4: Refusing to go to bed
| Bedtime arrives, but your child adamantly refuses to leave the living room to go to bed, complaining that he's not tired or wants to keep playing. |
| Solution: |
| Turn bedtime into an enjoyable, collaborative moment. Offer a choice of two suitable books for the bedtime story, such as "Bonne nuit, Lune" or "Les animaux de la nuit". Involve your child in preparing for bedtime by asking him to choose his favorite pajamas and which stuffed animal will listen to the story with him. This can turn a moment of resistance into a positive, soothing activity. |
Situation 5: Mealtime crises
| Your child refuses to eat what's on his plate, demanding something different or simply refusing to eat. |
| Solution: |
| Make the meal attractive and fun to capture your child's interest. For example, present food in the form of funny faces: carrots can become hair, chicken a smile, and peas eyes. Involve him by asking him to feed his cuddly toy before taking a bite himself. Offer to help prepare the meal too: "Would you like to help me put the vegetables on the plate?" This playful, collaborative approach can make mealtime more enjoyable and reduce tension. |
Active listening: A powerful tool for strengthening the parent-child relationship
Active listening is an essential skill that enables parents to connect deeply with their children. It means giving your full attention to your child when he or she speaks, making a conscious effort to understand not only his or her words, but also his or her underlying emotions. When your child throws a tantrum, practice active listening by getting down to his level, making eye contact and repeating what he says to show you understand: "I understand that you're very upset because we have to leave the park." This helps validate his feelings, which can ease the intensity of the crisis.
Reading recommendations to help children understand emotions
Reading books about emotions with your child can be a great way to teach them to identify and express their feelings. Here are a few suggestions for books suitable for toddlers, available in French, English and Spanish:
In French :
- Grosse Colère by Mireille d'Allancé - A story to help children understand and deal with anger.
- The Color of Emotions by Anna Llenas - An interactive pop-up book that explores different emotions.
- Gaston's emotions by Aurélie Chien Chow China - A series of books to help children recognize and express their emotions.
In English:
- The Color Monster by Anna Llenas - A pop-up book that explores different emotions.
- When Sophie Gets Angry - Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang - A story about dealing with anger.
- The Feelings Book by Todd Parr - A colorful book that helps children understand different feelings.
En español:
- El monstruo de colores de Anna Llenas - Un libro interactivo que explora las diferentes emociones.
- Cuando Sofía se enoja, se enoja de veras de Molly Bang - Una historia sobre cómo manejar la ira.
- El gran libro de las emociones de Mary Hoffman - Un libro que ayuda a los niños a entender y expresar sus emociones.
How parents can stay calm in the face of crises: a few more tips
1. Take breaks for yourself.
Being a parent is exhausting, and it's important to take care of yourself. If you feel you're on the verge of cracking, take a few minutes to isolate yourself and breathe. If possible, pass the baton to your partner or another trusted adult for a while.
2. Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be an excellent tool for managing parental stress. Take a few minutes each day to refocus, meditate or simply relax. This can help you deal with your child's crises with greater serenity.
3. Remember that you are doing your best.
It's easy to feel guilty or wonder if you're doing a good job raising your child. But every parent goes through these difficult times, and there's no perfect answer. What matters is that you try to stay calm and love your child, even in the most difficult times.
Accept that whims are part of the journey
The best way to survive a toddler's tantrums is to... accept them.
Surviving toddler tantrums is never easy, but with patience, understanding and a few strategies in your pocket, you can navigate these emotional storms without too much damage. Remember, tantrums are part of your child's normal development, and they don't call your parenting skills into question. Breathe deeply, offer controlled choices, practice active listening, and don't forget to take care of yourself. After all, a calm parent is the best guide for a child in crisis.
Super ton article. Maintenant, je saurai comment réagir lors d’un caprice. Je connaissais l’action de se mettre la hauteur de l’enfant, mais il manquait les idées contourner leurs refus.
Merci pour ta visite et commentaire. A très bientôt
Thank you for this article, which I'm sure will inspire parents who are struggling!
And indeed, accepting that a child's behavior isn't always what you expect is part of the game. It's important to remember that children's brains are still immature and developing, so certain situations can be complicated for them to handle.