Ah, how to survive toddler tantrums! Those moments when your little 2-3 year old turns into an uncontrollable ball of rage. Whether you're at the supermarket, in the middle of a Zoom meeting, or just at home, these meltdowns can strike at any time. But before you think your child has decided to ruin your day for fun, take a deep breath: they're not doing it on purpose. And no, you haven't failed as a parent. Let's explore together why these tantrums happen and how you can not only manage them but also stay zen.
Why are tantrums so... explosive at this age?
To survive toddler tantrums, it's crucial to understand that these moments of emotional explosion aren't personal attacks. At this age, your child is going through a crucial phase of their emotional and cognitive development. They're starting to explore their independence, but their brains aren't yet fully capable of regulating intense emotions. Imagine a pressure cooker without a safety valve: that's pretty much the situation your toddler is in. When they can't have what they want (like that third ice cream or the shiny toy you've cleverly hidden on top of the closet), emotions overflow and result in screams, tears, and rolling on the floor.
This emotional intensity is largely due to the development of the child's brain. The part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, the prefrontal cortex, is still under construction at this age. This means that when your child feels frustration, anger, or sadness, they don't yet have the tools they need to manage these feelings calmly and rationally.
Understanding your child's emotions
To survive toddler tantrums, it's essential to understand the link with emotions.
Surviving toddler tantrums requires understanding that their emotions are like waves, rising and crashing suddenly. They experience every feeling with a bewildering intensity, and their lack of emotional vocabulary further complicates things. When your child is having a tantrum, they're often trying to express something they can't verbalize. This could be frustration, incomprehension, or even a need for comfort.
The important thing is to recognize that these tantrums are a form of communication. By identifying and naming the emotions your child might be feeling ("I can see you're very angry because you can't have that toy now"), you're not only helping him to understand what he's feeling, but also developing his emotional management skills.
How to stay calm: strategies for parents
1. Remember they're not doing it on purpose.
To survive toddler tantrums, it's crucial to keep in mind that your child isn't having a tantrum to annoy you. It's not a challenge to your authority, but a clumsy expression of needs and emotions that they don't yet know how to manage. Remember that it's not against you; it's a normal phase of their development.
2. Take a deep breath.
It might seem trivial, but taking a few deep breaths before reacting can make all the difference. By breathing deeply, you slow down your heart rate and give your brain time to process the situation rather than react impulsively.
So, to survive toddler tantrums, remember to take a deep breath before reacting. This simple action can help you keep your cool.
3. Practice self-regulation.
Your calm is contagious. If you stay calm, you can help your child to calm down too. Try to speak slowly and calmly, and avoid shouting (even though it's sometimes very tempting). For example, if your child yells because he can't watch a cartoon, reply gently: "I understand you're disappointed, but it's dinnertime now. Then we can play together."
Soothing touch: an often underestimated strategy
Touch can be a powerful tool for soothing a child in distress. Studies show that reassuring physical contact, such as a pat on the back or a hug, can help reduce stress and calm intense emotions. When a child is overwhelmed by their emotions, a simple gesture of comfort can show them that you're there for them, that you understand their difficulties, and that you're ready to help them through this emotional storm.
Try, for example, placing your hand gently on your child's shoulder or offering a hug during a seizure. This physical contact can often act as an emotional reset, helping to reduce the intensity of the crisis and restore a sense of security.
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Tailored solutions for every situation
Situation 1: The tantrum at the supermarket
| Your child is absolutely fixated on a pack of candy that you've decided not to buy. They start to cry, then scream. |
| Solution: |
| Rather than giving in or getting angry, crouch down to her level and talk to her calmly. Say, "I know you really want this candy, but today we're not buying it. You can help me choose a piece of fruit for dessert tonight." Involving the child in another decision can help divert his attention and reduce the crisis. Accompany your response with a hand placed gently on his arm to reinforce your support. |
Situation 2: Refusing to put on their coat
| It's winter, it's cold outside, but your child refuses to put on their coat and starts rolling around on the floor in protest. |
| Solution: |
| Instead of forcing the coat on him, offer him a controlled choice: "Would you rather wear your red coat or the one with the stars?" This gives him a sense of control and may reduce his opposition. If that doesn't work, take him in your arms and say calmly, "I know you don't want to, but it's cold outside, and I want you to stay healthy." Use a hug to soothe his emotions while reaffirming your decision. |
Situation 3: The child who doesn't want to leave the park
| Your child is having so much fun at the park that they absolutely refuse to leave, despite your repeated warnings that it's almost time to go home. |
| Solution: |
| Rather than insisting, prepare the transition gently. A few minutes before leaving, inform your child that playtime will soon come to an end: "In five minutes, we'll be leaving. Choose one last thing to do before we go." Then involve your child in the process: "Would you prefer to take one last ride on the slide or swings?" This gives them time to prepare mentally and feel they have some control over the situation. If, despite everything, the crisis erupts, stay calm, crouch down to their level, and say, "I know you're having a lot of fun, but it's time to go. We can come back another time." A hug or a reassuring hand on the back can also help calm the frustration. |
Situation 4: Refusing to go to bed
| Bedtime is approaching, but your child absolutely refuses to leave the living room to go to bed, complaining that they are not tired or that they want to continue playing. |
| Solution: |
| Turn bedtime into an enjoyable, collaborative moment. Offer a choice of two suitable books for the bedtime story, such as "Bonne nuit, Lune" or "Les animaux de la nuit". Involve your child in bedtime preparations by asking him to choose his favorite pajamas and which stuffed animal will listen to the story with him. This can turn a moment of resistance into a positive, soothing activity. |
Scenario 5: Mealtime Meltdowns
| Your child refuses to eat what's on their plate, demanding something different or simply refusing to eat at all. |
| Solution: |
| Make the meal attractive and fun to capture your child's interest. For example, present food in the form of funny faces: carrots can become hair, chicken a smile, and peas eyes. Involve him by asking him to feed his cuddly toy before taking a bite himself. Offer to help prepare the meal: "Would you like to help me put the vegetables on the plate? This playful, collaborative approach can make mealtime more enjoyable and reduce tension. |
Active Listening: A Powerful Tool for Strengthening the Parent-Child Relationship
Active listening is an essential skill that enables parents to connect deeply with their children. It means giving your full attention to your child when he or she speaks, making a conscious effort to understand not only his or her words, but also his or her underlying emotions. When your child throws a tantrum, practice active listening by getting down to his level, making eye contact and repeating what he says to show you understand: "I understand that you're very angry because we have to leave the park." This helps validate his feelings, which can ease the intensity of the crisis.
Recommended Reads to Help Children Understand Emotions
Reading books about emotions with your child can be a great way to teach them to identify and express what they are feeling. Here are some suggestions for books suitable for toddlers, available in French, English, and Spanish:
In French:
- Grosse Colère by Mireille d’Allancé – A story that helps children understand and manage anger.
- La Couleur des émotions by Anna Llenas – An interactive pop-up book that explores different emotions.
- Les émotions de Gaston by Aurélie Chien Chow Chine – A series of books that helps children recognize and express their emotions.
In English:
- The Color Monster by Anna Llenas – A pop-up book that explores different emotions.
- When Sophie Gets Angry – Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang – A story about dealing with anger.
- The Feelings Book by Todd Parr – A colorful book that helps children understand different feelings.
En español:
- El monstruo de colores de Anna Llenas – Un libro interactivo que explora las diferentes emociones.
- Cuando Sofía se enoja, se enoja de veras de Molly Bang – Una historia sobre cómo manejar la ira.
- El gran libro de las emociones de Mary Hoffman – Un libro que ayuda a los niños a entender y expresar sus emociones.
How Parents Can Stay Calm During Tantrums: Some Extra Tips
1. Take breaks for yourself.
Being a parent is exhausting, and it's important to take care of yourself. If you feel like you're about to lose it, take a few minutes to be alone and breathe. If possible, pass the baton to your partner or another trusted adult for a while.
2. Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be a great tool for managing parental stress. Take a few minutes each day to refocus, meditate, or just relax. This can help you approach your child's tantrums with more serenity.
3. Remember that you're doing your best.
It's easy to feel guilty or wonder if you're raising your child right. But every parent goes through these difficult times, and there's no perfect answer. What matters is that you try to stay calm and love your child, even in the most difficult moments.
Accepting that tantrums are part of the journey
The best way to survive toddler tantrums is to... accept them.
Surviving toddler tantrums is never easy, but with patience, understanding, and a few strategies in your pocket, you can navigate through these emotional storms without too much damage. Remember that tantrums are a normal part of your child's development, and they don't call into question your parenting skills. Take a deep breath, offer controlled choices, practice active listening, and don't forget to take care of yourself. After all, a calm parent is the best guide for a child in crisis.
Great article. Now I'll know how to react to a tantrum. I knew how to put myself at the child's level, but I didn't know how to get around their refusals.
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Thanks for this article, I'm sure it can inspire parents in trouble!
And indeed, accepting that the child's behavior is not always what we expect from him is part of the game. It is important to remember that the child's brain is still immature, developing and that, consequently, certain situations can be complicated for them to manage.